back again... don't know what is the point of blogging since my life is so hopeless. really don't understand myself! longed of a blog and now i am feeling that this is pathetic! hate myself!!! love all my close friends, lit my life for me... i guess lots of people don't get my posts. and i think the only person in this world who gets me is henry... he is the only one who knew all my pain! he's always there for me! thanks brother... went training again... she kept forcing me to use that thing!! i really hate it! i could really feel hopeless in this thing, it's crystal clear that i am hopeless in EVEYTHING! shot crap again!! couldn't take it. left early! i really don't want to go back there! today recieved some shit today! brought back lots of unpleasant memories... i really dread to go up there! because of me... because of this pathetic and retarded shit! henry and dickson had to suffer! because of me, me, ME, that stupid pieces of shit! if it wasn't because of me they would have gone much further! i am really sorry. life sucks!!! the way i see it is that i am better off dead! i am alone... all alone... left behind in the dark. i am tired, exhausted of having to get back up everytime. just hope that i could just have this fall, just this one big fall and just die!!! just DIE! now at this state, i am tired of pushing forward anymore but it's like not right to just rot. can someone just kill me!!! really lost in the dark, the dark dark life, total pitch dark! lost in the dark, searching for the right direction, tripping over each and every obsticle.after that, it's like i have to stand up and start all over again! this is really very torturing! it makes people feel hopeless and don't want to try anymore! and each fall inflicts wounds!! deep cuts and serioud bruises! yes it's true, wounds will heal but there is always a scar! and scars which helps in recalling and it's just like going through the pain again! it eventually shuts people from trying because it hurts! badly! people are afraid of the fall because of the pain and would rather stay put and not persue their dreams! so what's a dream! something we just merely keep in our fantasies? or some thing we fight for in life? our source of motivation in life? to me,it's just something i would keep in my memories. to dream big, it comes with a big dissapointment too. to soar high up in the sky, the harder we fall too. so i guess dreams are just jokes in our lifes and we can just forget about them! i rather sit in the dark, alone, and rot! with eyes drained, heart dead! i just want to be alone in the dark! Labels: i like walking in the rain because no one can see me cry
Still finding.
10:21 PM