i thank them alot... seriously!!! i didn't the courage to tell them i really love them... i really do! i was able to compare them to other people's. they really gave what they have. yet i always grumble and complain about them. it's just my luck that i am in a poorer family. to my believe, it's what i deserved! like i said, what goes around come around! and it's just like that. they really gave whatever they had. WHAT ELSE DO I WANT MORE? i don't know if i want to go there any more, it is going to be a real problem for them! i really worry about them. they don't have iron bodys nor superpowers! i am really afraid. what if oneday they leave me? yes they might nag and nag and nag! but why would they want to bother me if they really so call 'hate' me? all they want is for me to me a useful person and productive to myself, my future family, my country and the world. but some times i just don't get the picture! why is it always so hard for me to say i am sorry or just listen to them and have no reply. they are like angels from heaven, and are here to help and guide me. yet one after another. i dissappoint them, made them angry. family like mine, they can only work and work to get life running. yet people like me are like tyrants or bloodsucking vampires sucking them dry. every single drops. i love them, deep in me. i really do! but i am just a coward. i keep on taking and taking from them yet give nothing back in return! for now i really don't feel like going there anymore. that day i remember hearing them quarrel about saving money. i really just want to inflict more burdens on them. i am sorry. i really am! i know it is really tiring for him to cheer me up all the time. i thank him too. he is always there for me. with out fail. lift me up when i am down. yet with out fail i had to torture him. piss him off. irritate him. i don't know why? i really am sorry. sometimes i really think is it better for me to leave him alone... will that be the best way out? i really don't know... he is really a good friend, a true one. but yet he had a horrible dogs like me to ruin his life! why am i such a burden to everybody? why must i be there to dampen people's day? recently i finally noticed that i have 2 more angels from heaven by me now other than the three i have mentioned! they were there for the past 2 years. yet i am blinded by my problems and dwelling in the dark, not really notice that they were there all the time. i really love them all.felt really sad for the seperation three months and ten days ago! recently had some growth in the circle of friends i hang out with. especially those closer ones that we sit around during lesson times. been thinking alot lately. espacially on bus trips. am i walking into a trap that i had walked through for the pass 2 years, 3 months and 10 days. will i end up feeling the emptyness at the end of next year? where we move on in life? i really hope that time will stop now. and 'o' levels will take forever to come! or even better, don't come at all!i really feel so terrible. the guilt, the conciousness... i am really sorry Labels: messed up head, troubled
Still finding.
7:41 PM