i guess now it's fine for me to talk about it
its painful to walk through this all over again
this time alone in the dark
i've come so far...
to just let history repeats?
its painful
its real pain
try sharp ices cutting through you?
COLD and CRUEL
PAIN and DEATH!
this just kills you spiritually!
my believe in hope is long gone
GONE...
seriously gone...
kah hui might have lost her happy face but i have just found my happy mask
i shall be the HAPPY
whenever i'm with someone
i will smile
i may be a hypocrite
but i don't want myself to affect the others!
it's not fair
just like life
i don't want my happiness but i don't have to right to take it away from others!
but i shall vent it all out here since no one knows this blog!
i want to be alone
i don't my friends to be trouble about and for me!
i will try my best to to be like ME
but ultimatly that is just a mask
i will be truthful here!
i found the mask the second i finish my competition!
i know i can't show the real ME!
coach zhang is right
she told me to lie about me shooting well to others
motive is for them no to be affected by me!
i found my happy mask!
and i've never taken it down!
i will never show the real ME now!
NEVER!
i shall be the most carefree guy on earth
the most happiest guy in the universe!
nobody shall know about this!
i will not allow!
and it bleeds to lose twice continuesly
it cuts deeper to know you caused the team a medal or so
and it literally kills you to lose to your arche enemy
YISHU* TOW* SECONDARY SCHOOL!
their 3rd shooter shot 556
jian zong shot 556 (DRAW)
their 2nd shooter shot 557
henry shot 557 (DRAW)
their 1st shooter shot 577
and i shot 562 (LOSE BY 15 POINTS)
its like henry and jian zong did their 1/3 part
and me?
what i do?
i caused the whole team to be like this
every year it's me who do all this
last year...
dickson 274
henry 273
me 270!!
we lost to the 3rd and 4th team(which drawed) by 2 points
and the last shot had to be an 8
if it would have been a 10 we might have a chance to get to finals!
there you go...
the magnificent shi xiang has done it again
cause the team a medal
you know this is really painful
i really don't know whether do have the courage to go to the school team anymore
i screw things up!
this is so shitty
moreover i'm doing pistol now!
WHAT FOR?
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO WIN ANYTHING
FOR YOURSELF!
FOR YOUR COACH!
FOR YOUR SCHOOL!
and you are definitely not going to make it to the school team!
and i am really dangling between to change or not to change!
i love my rifle
am i just going to give up?
my suit
firstly the cost
but i do have sentimental feelings for my gun!
i don't know what is still driving me on...
is it the love of this sport?
the passion?
or is it just simply the guilt and the conciousness of not wasting the money spent!
despite all this
i have to live life with the fake mask
go on running the club as an vice-chair
rush to handup homework
do project
lifescience and matrix
moreover this lifescience is paid by ms tow
i would have to pay her back by installment
total cost is $150
i don't have the cheek to strech out my hand to ask from my parents
they are so tight with cash already
plus the homework is never one or two worksheets but like what?
piles and piles of paper and stacks and stackes of books
and plus the this i mentioned above bottled up of this 3 weeks
i'm already insane thus i need this blog
to serve as a councelling session
or else when i burst i will not ever going to be a normal person!
does anyone see the pain i feel?
pathetic...
Still finding.
1:29 AM